Finding Me
by Dom Dude
Summary: What if Ryan died and Marissa had lived? This story is about Marissa going through life trying to fill the gap where Ryan used to be, and also finding herself.


_**This is is my first OC fanfic so please, be kind when reviewing. This fic is about if Ryan had Died instead of Marissa. How she goes through life trying to find something to fill the gap where Ryan should be and how she tries to find herself.**_

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing, The OC and all things related belong to The WB.**_

Chapter One: The Recovery

It had been around four months since the crash, though she could still remember it vividly, as though it has just happened yesterday. Marissa Cooper lay in bed with her best friend Summer Roberts, who was dead asleep. _Dead_, she thought. That's what Ryan was. Gone. Forever. She would never see him again. That is, until she dies, which she felt like doing at that very instant. She could remember it like it was yesterday. Pulling him from the rubble of the car, and dragging him right as it exploded, sending fiery plumes into the sky.

It was the rain, outside, pounding against the window of Summer's pink room that awoke her from her memories. She checked the time on the alarm clock next to the bed. _3:26_ was the time that glowed red across the LED screen. She took off the medical wrap that was around her arm. She had sprained it pulling Ryan out of the car. A sprain, and some cuts and bruises were the only injuries she sustained in the accident. Actually, she didn't know if it were an accident or not. She didn't exactly get the chance to _ask_ Volchok, considering he ran away to only God knows where on this earth.

She knew she wanted to find him. But what would she do then? Injure him? Kill him? She already shot Trey, could she just shoot Volchok too? She wasn't sure. Killing Trey was part of self defense, shooting someone, especially thinking about it like she was doing now, would get her put into jail for sure. Premeditated murder. Sure, Mr. Cohen could shorten her sentence, but she would still get put away until she was _at least_ fifty years old. Also, the people who lived in Newport would have a field day, with a scandal this big.

Marissa got up and walked over to the window. The fat rain drops obscured her vision of the world outside. She held her hand up to the window, feeling its cold surface. It was exactly how she felt every time she thought of Ryan. Cold. Why did this have to happen to him? He did nothing wrong. It was all her. It was she that was drinking non-stop and doing the drugs. The one who went to rehab twice in the past four months.

She got back in bed and laid her head on the pillow. Closing her eyes, she fell asleep to the swirling images of that fateful night in her mind.

* * *

Marissa woke up the next morning to the sound of Summer playing music on her stereo. It just so happened that the song that was playing was, what she considered to be, her song with Ryan. It was 'Only One' by Yellowcard. She got up to find Summer packing her things.

"What are you doing?" asked Marissa, getting out of the bed. She walked over to the larger-than-life closet and picked up one of the shirts that Summer had flung out of her way.

"I'm looking for my blouse, you know, the really cute blue one?" She stated.

"No, I mean, what's with the packing?" Marissa looked at her. _She better not saw what I think she's going to say_, Marissa thought.

"I'm going to Brown."

Ugh. Those four little words ripped Marissa up inside. How could her best friend leave her at a time like this?

"You're still going? After everything that's happened?"

"Marissa, it's been four months. Ryan's changed my life just like he changed everyone else's too. I used to be shallow and get ugly fake tans all the time. Now, I am at least somewhat deep. I mean had Ryan not come along, would you every have thought that _I'd_ be going to _Brown_? You don't have to lie" Summer added that last part after seeing Marissa's face.

"Well, no." Marissa finally was able to say.

"Ok, I'm leaving tomorrow morning at 10 AM, so meet me at the airport ok?" Summer said. "Seth wants me to meet him at the Diner for some breakfast. You wanna come?"

Marissa thought for a second then declined. She had better things to do than eat pancakes at some diner that always smelled of fish. She also hated the fact that the old, fat fishermen always hit on her. Ew.

As she left the Roberts house, she thanked Dr. Roberts for letting her stay at their house the night before. After he told her she was welcome whenever she wanted to go come over, she walked down to the beach and found what she was looking for. The old lifeguard house. This was the spot. _Their_ spot. She sat down and wept softly. She knew she needed to get over this, but the question still remained. How was she going to get over him? How would she ever be happy again?

How would she ever find...herself?

_**I know it's short, but the other chapters will be longer I swear. I hope to keep up with this fic as I always seem to start one, but never finish it. Reviews make me write chapters faster! Heh. Bribery will get you everywhere.**_


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